What is This Feeling?
by entwined-in-a-web
Summary: Natalie's life is full of emotions. Everything from happiness to anger. A look at what she was feeling at different points in her life. Natalie drabbles. REVIEW PLEASE!


-1**A/N: Ok, I don't mean to be copying anything, but I remembered this one story in the RENT fandom that was about Mimi and listed different emotions at different times of her life. While walking a mile the other day, I thought….hmm…How was Natalie feeling at this point in her life or at that moment? So….No copying is intended (even though I'm pretty sure they used 'ecstasy' too, but I couldn't find a better word to describe it)**

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Next to Normal….hey! I actually spelled it out this time! Cool…**

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***Happiness***

There it was. Her very own keyboard, right in her room. Natalie smiled as she made her way over to it.

She stared at ebony and ivory keys that stared back at her. She could look at them and name every key by heart.

She placed her hands gently in the keys and began to play a Chopin piece she had been working on for a recital. She could hear the clarity of the tune coming from the small speakers of the keyboard.

When she played, everything seemed to stop. Things were finally right.

***Anger***

"Why weren't you there?" Natalie cried, walking into the house. Tonight was her first major recital. She had sent invitations to everyone she knew and reminded her parents about it on a daily basis.

No one showed up.

"You know we would've come if we could've gone…" Dan said, trying to reason with her, following her inside.

"But you didn't come!" Tears were running down her face by now.

"Natalie, you have to understand-"

"All I asked was for you to be there for me! Thanks for doing such a great job, Dad…"

"Honey, listen to me-!"

"No! I'm done! Fuck this…"

"Language…"

She groaned loudly and audibly and muttered, "And fuck you," as she stomped up the stairs to her room.

***Envy***

Natalie didn't have many friends at school. She was the weird one who everyone had to avoid. She would sit alone at lunch and pretend to be doing homework. But really she was listening in on people's conversations.

"Did you hear about it?" One girl at the table next to Natalie's whispered. "Everyone's heard it."

"What?" Another girl asked.

"About her mother?"

"Whose mother?"

The first girl vaguely gestured towards Natalie, who right away knew they were talking about her.

"Oh yeah! I know!"

"I mean, seriously…who would let someone like that out in a public place? I bet _she's _just as bad…"

Natalie couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed her books and quickly ran out of the cafeteria, practically in tears. It was times like this she envied everyone she saw. The ones who didn't have to deal with this shit. The _normal_ ones…

***Love***

"What?!" Natalie cried for the umpteenth time, still shocked.

"Do I have to say it again?" Henry complained, rolling his eyes. "I…love…you…"

"But…why?"

"I dunno…" he shrugged, sticking his hands in his pockets, a nervous habit of his. "There's just something about you that just…clicks with me…"

"Wow, Henry. Really?" She added sarcastically.

"I'm totally dead serious!" He looked her dead in the eyes.

"So you really think you love me?"

"I don't _think._ I _know _I love you." He smiled proudly, but wiped the smile right off when he saw her skeptical face. "Pinky swear it." He held his hand out to her, his pinky finger extended.

She opened her mouth to protest his childish behavior. But the look in his eyes just changed her mind. A look that said, 'Give me a chance. I love you.' She knew she would regret it later, but she reluctantly looped her pinky around his.

"Fine. I get it now."

He smiled brightly as his hands slowly grasped onto hers, pulling her closer to him. She was a bit confused about what he was doing but as soon as his lips brushed against hers everything seemed to make sense.

"I love you, Nat…" he whispered as he pulled away from her.

She had to act indifferent. She had to not care.

The problem was…she really did love him.

***Ecstasy***

Natalie uneasily stared down into her hand. The two little round pills stared back at her.

_Just do it…you know what happens….just do it…._

She shuddered as she took a huge sip of water and downed the pills quickly. She had been skeptical lately…There had been a story on the news about a girl who overdosed on drugs and died. She didn't want to be that girl….but it was her only choice…

At times she wondered why she was doing this to herself in the first place. It only made her feel worse once the high wore off. She had to come back to reality eventually.

But she remembered as the high finally hit. That feeling of nothing. She couldn't describe it in words. All of her problems were gone…all of her fears were gone…_everything_ was gone…

She inhaled deeply as she felt the numbness cover her body. Nothing could compare to this…Nothing in real life…She thought she was dreaming the first few times, but after a while, she began to get used to the emptiness…She never wanted it to stop….she liked the feeling of nothing, where no one would get in her way.

But as the quote goes, nothing lasts forever, all good things must end.

***Sadness***

"She did _what?_" Henry asked over the phone.

"She left…she's gone…" Natalie cried, laying down on her bed, sobbing.

She just got home from the dance with Henry. As soon as she walked in she found out that her mother was gone…she couldn't take it…she had to cry…as much as she seemed indifferent to her mother, she cried for everything they never had, everything they'll never have in the future. She always secretly wanted her mother to have a fighting chance. She wanted to have those moments that she longed for with her. But that hope was crushed now…

"Are you ok?" Henry asked, breaking the frightening silence.

She sniffled a little and responded, "I-I don't know…Should I be feeling like this?"

"Like what?"

"Miserable…" She burst into tears again. She didn't understand why she was so upset. Her whole life she wished her mother would just go. But when she actually did…

"Aww, Nat…"

"I don't get it, Henry…why do I care so much?"

"She's your mother….of course you care…"

Another wave of tears hit as she cried, "H-Henry…I don't know what to do…."

"Shhh…it's ok…you need to relax…get some sleep, Nat…I'll call you first thing in the morning, ok?"

She nodded and whimpered in agreement. "Ok…"

"I love you, Natalie."

"Love you too…" Her words came out so shakily.

"Night."

"Night."

**A/N: Awww….the fluff is adorable, is it not? Lol….what do you think? **

**Reviews?**


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